Haunting No More

Well, finally, I offered my internal presentation this afternoon, with very limited time.

I had been haunted by this presentation for almost three weeks. Every weekend I wanted to work on it, because there was no time could be squeezed to do such extra work. But I could not start working on it until last Saturday.

I guessed I looked suck right after the presentation because my dear Samantha approached me and tried to comfort me. I felt that I did bad job in the presentation, I was too nervous and spoiled this 'show', my expectation was too high, but at the same time, I had no confidence to myself.

You know what, before I stood up to do the presentation, I looked at myself through the one-side mirror, I asked myself, 'how come I look so ugly today? I just realized that my eyes are very small, and the fringe before the forehead..... yuck...' My psychological condition was extremely poor. I know that during the presentation, I kept pulling the hair in front my forehead.

Even someone gave me appreciation, I supposed that they deluded me.

How come I have such feeling?? My confidence is draining away.

Insomnia

Right, now is 2:30 in the early morning. I could not sleep. I supposed that I had fallen a very long sleep after watching 'Sex and the city' at midnight, then I just found that only one hour had passed.

Frank, in this week, I am so annoyed to myself when I was alone. I exaggerated a lot of tiny little things. I felt upset because I could not have a proper dinner in last five working days. I felt dehydrated because the hydration mask I use recently does not really fit me. I hated myself that I had not done any exercise in these two weeks. And most of all, I know I am haunted by the internal presentation. It is so ashamed to admit that I am pressurized by such tiny little internal show in the company, and I mistakenly link it with my personal honour and shame, but I want to work my best on this job, at the same time I always want to hide away from it.

I am going to present the cross-cultural study of vampire folklore on the coming Thursday. It was one of the term papers of my Anthropology course three years ago. I was also extremely stressful when I prepared this paper at that time. I could not sleep for a whole month, I felt suffocated all the time, I mean it literally, I felt that there was a vitural rope tied over my neck, the feeling was so horrible. Eventually, that paper won a prize, it was a honour I was always looking for.

This time, I am not seeking for any honour, but I wish to get some approval, at least. Remember in last time internal presentation, I really got almost no comment from anyone else. It could not be a bad sign actually, but at that moment, I felt myself invisible and unimportant. Rationally, I knew clearly that my existence is not defined by others reaction or comment at circumstance, but... I hate myself so much that I am so sensitive and think too too much.

Alright, throw out bunch of words, I guess I am tired enough and could go back to sleep.

Feel Better

Tonight I left office at 10pm, when colleague were leaving and saw me on the seat, they encouraged me and said no wonder I am a 'never-give-up-Dai-Manki'. Literally, I had finished an enormous project - a 150 pages ad analysis BY THE END OF THE DAY. I re-confirmed my client this afternoon that I promised him BY THE END OF THE DAY did mean it, i.e. before 12:00 midnight.

Yesterday our queen Kelly Larry (this is a nick name) anticipated her ultimate power in the office and criticized we young executives again... then I knew that she addressed us as 'bloody executives'... well, I know that actually she didn't mean it, and sometimes she shot out some words without a second thought, but I felt a bit uneasy when my chubby neighbor told me about it. Poor chubby neighbor was the target yesterday, Kelly snapped her door close and shouted at him from around 7:30pm to 9:00pm.

Miracles sometimes appear in some moments. The friends I loved to bully her with other friends when we were in lower form turned out to be the one who mostly understands me in that peer circle. I talked with her for an hour about my unhappiness, she taught me to let go, if someone treated me bad, forget it and should not bear it on my back forever. It is an everyone-know-wisdom, but it seems she winked at me and suddenly the light bulb above my head switched on, I feel much comfortable now.

Jeff was also very nice in the past few days, I worked quite late recently, luckily he cooked the dinner for me. Yesterday he knew that I was upset and cried, then he did the dish also. He is so wonderful!!

Grace, you are right, we have families and friends who love us all the time.

Zero level productivity

I planned to work in this long weekend on last Friday evening. Then, I almost did nothing in these three days.

Also in this weekend, I found that there is a problem between me and a group of my friends... I don't want to explain here, but I just feel we got a distance among us. To be frank, I felt hurt many times before, and I could not manage to assume nothing had happened and being close friends with them like when we were in secondary school.

In these three days, I made a dinner to my parent-in-law and Lok Lok B. I cooked the apple soup and Lok Lok loved it a lot. Today, I shopped with Meiki for a mother day's gift and we chatted a lot during lunch. It is so nice to spend time to someone I love.

No one can make me give up, I will never give up (By Dai Cheung Kam 2005)

Haven't had a late night OT work for a long time. Today I worked until 11:20 pm, Ah Chan also worked late with me, and I am not sure if she is now still in office or not.

We two haven't had such a long OT together for more than a month. Tonight I felt happier, because I felt that two of us supported each others speechlessly. Although I was a bit exhausted, I enjoyed the ambience.

I bet this weekend I should bring work back home to do. Dai Man Ki will never give up!!

My Birthday

Wow I had just experience a series of happy birthday events.

The first birthday gift was Jeff woke up at 8am, a bit earlier than other days.
Then after I arrived office, Ah Chan sent me a pair of lovely earrings.
Then a bouquet from Jeff, and Candy the gateway person announced the news by paging all staff.
Then my boss Jelly paid me the lunch.
Then a grand and splendid birthday party in a flashing shining ballroom (actually in our office meeting room) for Christina and me - the 'stars' of April, the event was organized by our popular in-house PR director Samantha Chic. I knew that she put great effort on it, I love her so much!!
Then another pair of earrings from my DP angels.
Then a birthday card contained blessing from most of the colleagues, and i just knew that someone gave me a nick name 'Dai Man Ki', which is relevant to the popular Korean TV episode 'Dai Cheung Kam'.
Then one more blessing email for Ah Chan.
Then I left office at half past six.
Then Jeff and I had a birthday dinner.
Then Jeff bought me a pint of rum raisin ice-cream, we ate it when we were watching 'Dai Cheung Kam'.

What a marvelous day!! I am a lucky girl.

What is going on??

After 24 hours, I will turn to 28 years old. When I was 20, I assumed a woman in her 28 will wear heavy make up everyday, with enormous dark eyes circle, is polished and become very diplomatic in term of communication.

When I was 23, I read an article called quaterly age crisis. People at 25 -30 will suffer from certain degree of psychological struggle, because nowadays, many of us received tertiary education, which postpones our working life, we have shorter time to achieve what people assume that should have in that age range, like having your first 1 million, reaching a middle to high management level, paying a mortgage and enjoying their golden time, etc, etc. However, most of us in 30 may not obtain the above list.

Frankly, sometimes I also could not get rid of such weird thoughts. I hate people call me young executive YE in the company. I know it is about the year of experience I worked in market research instead of my age, but come on, I am no longer a young little greenie, I had developed my value judgment and working style, don't try to squeeze me into any mold.

Anyway, I know I should be patience and dedicate to my work, as long as I still have great interest in this field. Remember that I submitted the application letter of my present job in my 27th birth date. I believed that it would good luck, and, the wish was being fulfilled. It was a sharp turning point for me, so far I still feel it is a bless.

And, in my 27, I made another quite critical decision - to move out from my parent-in-law house and live with Jeff independently. I feel that I become braver and adventurous, I accept the challenge of moving out. So far, it is not as harsh as we supposed, somehow, I do enjoy the housework.

Yesterday I celebrated my birthday with my daddy, mommy, MeiKi and Jeff. We had a delicate dinner in Rice Paper, TST. The interior design was fabulous. My parent bought me a stylish CYMA watch, and MeiKi sent me a girlish French Kitty porch.

What will Jeff give me for my 28 birthday?

The last thing is, I want to give Mommy a big hug and thank to her wholeheartly that she delivered me to the world with great pain on April 27, 1977. After that day, my mommy and daddy lives were totally changed. It was amazing! And I should say thanks to my Daddy also, I am so proud of him that he sacrificed a lot for my growth and makes my life illuminated.