Insomnia

Right, now is 2:30 in the early morning. I could not sleep. I supposed that I had fallen a very long sleep after watching 'Sex and the city' at midnight, then I just found that only one hour had passed.

Frank, in this week, I am so annoyed to myself when I was alone. I exaggerated a lot of tiny little things. I felt upset because I could not have a proper dinner in last five working days. I felt dehydrated because the hydration mask I use recently does not really fit me. I hated myself that I had not done any exercise in these two weeks. And most of all, I know I am haunted by the internal presentation. It is so ashamed to admit that I am pressurized by such tiny little internal show in the company, and I mistakenly link it with my personal honour and shame, but I want to work my best on this job, at the same time I always want to hide away from it.

I am going to present the cross-cultural study of vampire folklore on the coming Thursday. It was one of the term papers of my Anthropology course three years ago. I was also extremely stressful when I prepared this paper at that time. I could not sleep for a whole month, I felt suffocated all the time, I mean it literally, I felt that there was a vitural rope tied over my neck, the feeling was so horrible. Eventually, that paper won a prize, it was a honour I was always looking for.

This time, I am not seeking for any honour, but I wish to get some approval, at least. Remember in last time internal presentation, I really got almost no comment from anyone else. It could not be a bad sign actually, but at that moment, I felt myself invisible and unimportant. Rationally, I knew clearly that my existence is not defined by others reaction or comment at circumstance, but... I hate myself so much that I am so sensitive and think too too much.

Alright, throw out bunch of words, I guess I am tired enough and could go back to sleep.